Dear David Leyva, You Didn’t Win a Medal Today, But You Look a Lot Like Drake, So Hey
I am sorry you and your boys did not win a medal today. But my little sister alerted me to how much you look like Drake and she is right. Now, I am a Drake fan just as much as they next person, which is to say who knows how much of a Drake fan I am, but the point is, he did come out with an inspirational song with the lyric “I’m so, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so, I’m so proud a you,” and even though you did not win today, that is how we all feel about you. You had a crazy awesome high bar on Saturday, so we all know that you have serious skills, and besides, you did your best, which is what the Olympics is all about (and this of course has been proven by how little the media cares about how Michael Phelps lost that one time, they just care that he did his best when he won 17 gold medals!). Despite the loss today, we will all spend the remainder of the Olympics drinking every night because we drink to your accomplishments, just like we drink to Drizzy’s. Though of course everyone would understand if you wanted to choose some other, body-friendly celebratory practice, given that it is precisely drinking every night (and smoking, and never working out, and staying up until 3am watching Breaking Bad) that makes the rest of us non-Olympians.
I know there are some people in the world that, for various legitimate reasons, would be like “Ugh, why must you compare me to Drake!?” But I think your website indicates that you are not someone who is intimidated by fanciness, nor are you someone who is afraid to look really incredibly handsome while doing really hard things, nor are you afraid to do them naked! As far as America is concerned, you are a victory.
-Catherine, boofboofboof, @cathyprovy