Vernon Macklin, Be My Love
Dear Vernon,
So far, this love letter experiment has not yielded much love. All my boys have been like “Listen Catherine, I can tell you are really great, but you just didn’t prove to me that you like me for me and that our love will be forever. How do I know you won’t break my heart?” The responses have been eerily uniform, which led me to realize that men just want security based on scientific fact. So Vernon, now that I have realized I love you, I’d like to prove to you that you shouldn’t be afraid to love me too. And you don’t have to take my word for it, let’s look at the evidence:
You are number 20 which is my birthday number, and all girls love men who wear their birthday numbers. Plus it is also YOUR BIRTHDAY NUMBER!! which says something about our destiny.
We were both born in Virginia. Have you ever heard of a little expression called “Virginia is for Lovers”? Well, that’s what our parents thought, and maybe our parents are better role models than we give them credit for. Since we share this unique bond, it is only right that we export the special kind of love Virginians are capable of to the love-deprived city of Detroit, and then we can start the slogan “Detroit is for lovers whose parents were once lovers in Virginia.” And then we will have tons of babies and encourage them all to stay in Detroit and generate some much-needed tax revenue for the city we love.
I will admit that the thing I like second most about you is the way you look because you are huge and incredibly handsome (I will get to the first-most thing in the non-scientific section of this letter). But the way you look also happens to provide some real, biological proof of why we are right for each other. First, our attractiveness quotients:
Vernon: 10 Catherine: 10. Compatibility clear.
Now, our body proportions:
Vernon: height 6’10”; weight 227lbs
Catherine: height 5’2”; weight 113.5lbs*
If we plug these numbers into some simple equations, here is what we get:
In height, V=1.33C In weight, V=2C
That’s right, you have twice as much body mass as I do, and you are a full third taller than I am!
If you prefer visual representation, here’s what we look like**:
* After a seven-day juice fast
** Charts not to scale
Now I don’t know of any research that confirms how well enormous men work with little women, but judging by how well the math works out and how great these charts look, I think we can be confident that we are a match.
I know you are thinking, “But Catherine, there are tons of huge guys in the NBA, what makes me different?” Well, in addition to the evidence presented above, I will point out that you are a man whose star is rising. You may be playing for the D-League now, but when you’re back with the Pistons next week, the world will take notice. And when they do, I’ll get to be like, “see I called that, AND we’re in love,” and you’ll get to be like “see, my girl loved me before I was huge (in the fame sense, not the physical sense).” But the thing that makes you most different and the thing I like first most about you is the way you tweet. You present astute observations in the form of funny jokes. You give shout-outs to your mom. And you ask culturally-relevant questions. All of these show your above averageness in charm, intellect, and sweetness - all things I value highly, and all things I want in my life forever.
Vernon, I just think you’re so great, and I think the facts compel us to give it a try. So let’s go for it, let’s fall in love.
Love,
Catherine
